There I said it.
I'm struggling with breastfeeding, big time.
It's not just the actual act of breastfeeding I'm struggling with either - it's everything this act is dredging up in me. Lots of insecurities and second-guessing my own fortitude and motives.
I know it's not easy and I know we've run into some snags that have complicated matters.
I know I'm not the only woman in history to have a sleepy, tongue tied baby or cracked, bleeding nipples or weak supply. I'm not the only woman in history who has needed to find alternate ways to feed her child.
Our bodies aren't perfect and mine definitely isn't.
I'm not ready to give up, though my bag of tricks is getting low, but I am ready to give in.
I'm ready to give in to Providence on this one.
I'm ready to keep trying my best, and push myself not to go when the going gets rough, but I am ready to give this issue to God.
So here it is. God, I'm trusting you on this one.
I'm going to trust you that if the best thing for my daughter is to nurse, you'll help us get there.
I'm going to trust you that if the best thing for my daughter is to drink breastmilk from a bottle, you'll help me keep that supply up.
I'm going to trust you that if the best thing for my daughter is drink formula, you'll protect her and she'll grow up as secure, attached, healthy and smart as her brother did.
I'm going to trust you to help me get over my own insecurities, my own selfish desires and my own doubts to do exactly what she needs of me.
Tomorrow is our 2 week check up. She's doing great so far and we already know that she's gained back her weight, so unless something comes up that requires me to keep setting these alarms and tracking every milliliter I'm going to give it up to you. After tomorrow I will keep doing what I'm doing for as long as it works, but my goals are these - a healthy baby girl, who can eat whatever she needs from whatever source she prefers with a mother who is able to enjoy her incredible precious gifts of children and focus on bonding and thriving as a family. If we figure out nursing, it will be Providence that gets us there. If we keep pumping for months, it will be Providence that gets us there. If those two things don't work or dry up, Providence will give me the confidence I had with my son to fearlessly, and shamelessly use formula.
I need to give this to God tonight, all my struggles, all my worries of judgement, all my fears of making the wrong choice or subconsciously sabotaging this whole endeavor - I need to give it up and give it away. I need to trust that my family is in good hands, and much bigger hands than my own.