Monday, November 9, 2015

5 Red Cup Alternatives to Stem the "Rage"

Apparently people are outraged that Starbucks cups are red.  If it was a question on a game show I'd have to use a lifeline in order to tell you that the Starbucks cups even change for the holidays, let alone what it usually is.  Personally, I feel that this is a carefully crafted marketing ploy as most "outrage" (of which there seems to be little of actually) seems to have come after the reports of outrage.  Well done Starbucks, well done.

So to any of those among us who are so filled with the Christian holiday spirit that this is actually the most serious issue in your mind - ignoring trivial things like Syrian refugees, Ebola sufferers or even the now homeless family who normally sits next to you at Church one Sudnay - I've come up with the perfect underrepresented Christmas figures to adorn your Starbucks cups.

1. Zwarte Piet



Lovingly described by satarist David Sedaris as "8 to 10 black men" who assist Scandinavian Santa Claus' do their work. Unless you grew up in a country where Piet was a common sight in your holiday gatherings, this is the perfect symbol for a complete lack of knowledge of modern day stereotypes or anything else that may be going on in the world.

2. Kallikantzaros



How about a traditional half-person/half-goat hybrid who is said to run rampant during the 12 days of Christmas.  Nothing friendly than a Kallinkantzaros could possibly adorned my $27 latte.  Luckily the term "kallinkantzaros" is used to describe a wide range of ugly creatures only bent on making trouble and detracting from the meaning of the season.... so Starbucks, save a few for Easter too.

3.  The Krampus


Since nothing says "Celebrate the Birth of the Savior" quite like people turning away from you in fear and disgust, let's go big or go home and put the Krampus on our favorite hyper caffinated pretend-its-real-coffee.  All commemorative Krampus cups will be given out with a traditional birch switch with which to swat non-believers between the eyes and really share that holiday spirit.

For the fourth and fifth suggestions we must go to the mythical land of Catalonia, which I know little about, but based on their very special Christmas traditions - these people know how to have a good time.

4. The Caganer



Let's just get the point, this is would be a perfect holiday design on a Starbucks Red Cup for every person who feels the needs to "dump" on social media with their absolutely idiotic opinions about Starbucks and their vicious war on religion.  Thank you Catalonia, thank you.

5. Tio de Nadal



But nothing screams "Perfect Red Cup Design" than another Catalonian tradition, the Tio de Nadal.  The aptly named "Caga Tio" (check out what that means here) combines all our well placed righteous anger and allows us to focus on the "pile" of consumerism we really think is important during the holidays.  It celebrates both our needs for a little holiday violence and rediculous demands to be catered to.  Really, I couldn't think of a more appropriate image for Red Cup Ragers.


*no offense meant of course if any of these are actually part of your beloved holiday traditions; it's all in good fun here*

6 comments:

  1. Is it just me, or does the Caganer bear a striking resemblance to the Elf on the Shelf?

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  2. Teehee! I totally agree. :) Dwight dresses up as the Krampus on the Office one year for Christmas and so this post made me think of that, super funny!

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  3. No no no! Not Scandinavia, Zwarte Piet is Dutch! I'm Scandinavian living in Holland suffering through the zwarte Piet thing every year! I wish it would be krampus! And he does not assist Santa Claus but saint Nicholas on 5th December. My children's school just banned zwarte Piet, yay for that!

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  4. Haha yes! Oh my, if Starbucks put the Krampus on their cups, it would be so hilarious :P

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  5. What in the world? I try to stay off Facebook and apparently people go crazy about the colors of paper cups! I don't know what the fuss is about, but THIS is great!!!

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