Back when Haley and Christy interviewed me for their podcast we were talking a lot about what my "make do" life entails and how we make it work. I've been thinking a lot about what they were asking me about over the last month or so, because honestly I couldn't really articulate my process because so much of it is just part of what makes the natural flow of our family. It's how we interact and make decisions without much forethought on how we make those decisions. It's not that we're not planners - there's a lot of discussion and planning about goals and needs and wants, but we don't talk about how to make decisions... if that makes sense?
For the last few months I've felt a changing coming - it happens and isn't a sign of something wrong, just a sign of life going on. It's a lot like moving around furniture. I move around my living room at least once or twice a year. The change is needed for deep cleaning and to solve function issues, it will be exactly what we need for a while and then it won't. There's nothing wrong with how we solved the first problem, it worked until it didn't and then we move the furniture. It doesn't involve starting over from scratch - we don't chuck everything out and start over again, we just work with what's there; shifting and moving things until it makes sense for what we need.
Seeing as how our son is four, and since it's been a year since I last became pregnant and only hope for future good news, there are things we can do and focus on that we couldn't for the last few years. There is time and resources available that weren't before and it's time to take advantage of them. So we've been doing work on the house and the yard, enrolling H in classes and activities, focusing more on our own health and interests. All in all just trying to be intentional with what we have right now to make life look like what we want.
Right now there are no reasons not to invest some time and money into our home.
Right now there are no reasons to say no to a class or an activity for our only child.
Right now there are things put on the back-burner that can finally come off because we have an older child and aren't tied to the exhaustion, schedule and needs of a baby or toddler. We have no excuse not to go and walk, explore, and exercise. We have no excuse not to invest a little time in hobbies we always wanted to take up.
You all know that I'd give anything for the exhaustion and needs that would come with just one more, living child, but I've realized in the last year that in the wise words of Professor Dumbledore it does no good to dwell in dreams and forget to live and that has been healing. It does not mean I do not still mourn or try or expect certain things, but that I realize the sum of my experience and abilities in this world cannot revolve around my (in)ability to have children. There are things that will pass me straight by if I only have a singular goal every month and that is no way to live.
This is not to say I'm healed from my experiences or I've forgotten what I've gone through. This is to say that I'm learning there is more to my life and more to the expectations of it than an extra line on a pregnancy test.
I'm so glad for everyone who's come here to read my thoughts through this part of my journey - and this won't be the last I have to say on the subject, rather this is me saying it is not going to be focal point of my life. It is not going to consume my every thought or moment - I do my three lovely babies no service when I forget to live the life I have so that is what I'm doing.
I'm taking what I have in this internal living room of my mind and shifting it around, letting those experiences slide around and support, not hinder, what I need out of this beautiful life.