Thursday, October 23, 2014

How to Be My Friend... When You're Expecting And I'm Not.

This is one of the trickiest things I've had to navigate in the last year.  Other people's fertility.  I've had friends get pregnant around each of my three losses and go on to have healthy, beautiful babies around my due dates.  There have been much prayed for children after years of fertility struggles and heartaches, "Hey, look at that" pregnancies that are just par for the course and "Oh no how are we going to cope" pregnancies due to a plan that is not our own.  There have been first babies, second babies, babies to families bursting with children and babies to unwed parents.  There have been healthy pregnancies and scary pregnancies.  I feel like I've seen it all.

I can't say I've handled every pregnancy announcement with grace.  I have sworn.  I have been angry.  I have cried silently in numerous bathrooms and declined invitations and outings because I just can't deal.

But in the end I've learned one thing.

The world does not revolve around me and my less than stellar genetics.  It's not that I don't deserve sympathy, respect and private "heads up" before a public announcement.  It's not that I don't have a right to be sad or angry.  It's not that I don't have a right to silent cry in every bathroom.  I deserve every moment of that and say that without shame.

However, it's bigger than me

Each of those children (and their parents) deserve love and joy.  My sadness and my struggles, as justified and important and worthy as they are, cannot stand in the way of celebrating life where it is.  No matter who it comes through.  No matter when it happens.

I cannot ask the world to forever consider me and only me in my sadness - there must be life, there must be love and there must be hope.

If you are one of the lovely ones around me carrying a new little baby please do not shy from me, do not feel like you need to side step or stay silent.

There will be days when I am sad and angry.  There will be days when I fight with bitterness.  There will be days when I need to shut the computer or ignore email, blogs and social media because it's too much.  These are a given for a grieving mother; but these are things that will happen regardless.  These are things that I can deal with and navigate.  These are not reasons, and never should be, to minimize the joy your children should bring to the world.

If you are my friend and expecting, please don't be afraid to share with me.  Know that there will be days when I close my computer on your blog or your pictures, but that is not about you - it is me; it is me grieving and coping and healing.  For every day that I need to step away there are dozens more when those sonograms, clever announcements and mountains of baby cuteness are what keeps me going.  They remind me of life and love.  They give me hope.



39 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Struggling myself with secondary infertility after struggling to get pregnant with my beautiful daughter, I've wondered how to put this into words for people. Well said.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello! I received my black ATM card now through DHL 4 hours ago from Miss Jane and i have used it to withdraw $1700. I'm so happy now cos there's more coming. Thanks to Jane for sending me the card. At first i thought it was a scam for Jane to steal money from people but i just received the card. email me on malikrion@aol.com for pictures of it and video of how i just used it. also send Jane an email to get your card. this Christmas is going to be the best ever! her email address is janeashey333@gmail.com...

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    2. Hello! I received my black ATM card now through DHL 4 hours ago from Miss Jane and i have used it to withdraw $1700. I'm so happy now cos there's more coming. Thanks to Jane for sending me the card. At first i thought it was a scam for Jane to steal money from people but i just received the card. email me on malikrion@aol.com for pictures of it and video of how i just used it. also send Jane an email to get your card. this Christmas is going to be the best ever! her email address is janeashey333@gmail.com...

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  2. Exactly this. Beautifully said. I'm so blessed to know you.

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  3. Perfect. When a friend announced her 7th pregnancy this week, I had to be honest with Her and admit I hadn't handled Her announcement with grace either. But I would never have wanted her not to share and I am so very very happy for them! I do not want my sadness to ever overshadow someone else's joy! It's all these little ones being born to wonderful families around me that keep me going as well, hoping and waiting for the day when I will be as blessed as they are.
    Thank you! :)

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  4. This is so helpful! Thank you for this.

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  5. This is so thoughtful and beautiful. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not fair. Not fair at all. I give you so much credit for the grace you have through it all. Your perspective and voice are a help to all of us in knowing how to understand and love those who carry this cross. I only wish there was more we could do to help with the weight.

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  6. And I'm in tears. This is so heartfelt and honest and compassionately written. I've been on both sides of that shaky fence, and you nailed it. Thank you.

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  7. Yes, this. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who silently cries in bathrooms.

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  8. I have been on the super fertility side (I got pregnant easily with each of my three daughters), and now I'm on the other side of this fence. I'm so glad you wrote this. I've been the one who feels awkward and unsure and guilty about being pregnant around those who are struggling with fertility, and now I'm the one who feels awkward and unsure and guilty about my sometimes less than graceful reactions to others' pregnancies. It's posts like this that will hopefully help us all feel less awkward, unsure, and guilty. Thanks, Molly.

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    Replies
    1. me too- our first 2 daughters were born 51 weeks apart- they were super easy pregnancies....then I had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks and struggled to have 2 more successful pregnancies (with the help of heparin and progesterone) - this post is helpful....

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  9. Thank you. I too struggle with this. Depending on the day, I am either a blubbering fool of happiness or a blubbering fool of guilty sadness for myself. I read a blog post a couple of months ago by a woman who had many children. She had just realized what a silent cross infertility is. She stated that it must feel like drowning in open water, with other people around you, and yet no one can hear you scream. I immediately started crying. It has felt like that for me so many times over the years. When I am feeling down, I listen to a song by Britt Nicole called "All This Time." It is very upbeat and reminds me that my husband and I don't carry this cross alone. God walks along with us at each step. You are most definitely right. There must be life, love, and HOPE! (Love you already by the way!)

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  10. I feel like you are simultaneously speaking for me and to me. My husband and I have been struggling with miscarriage and infertility for a while now and I COMPLETELY understand this struggle between sadness/anger/jealousy and happiness for those who are pregnant around you. I guess all we can do is hope. Praying for you and for other dealing with infertility. It's the worst.

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  11. Thanks for sharing this. I have a family member who is … not yet conceiving and its really hard for her lately. Thank you, again.

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  12. This is a beautiful and brave post! I will keep you in my prayer intentions as I try to think of all women hoping to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term. Sometimes I struggle with guilt after having conceived babies after our sterilization reversal and wish I could offer up some of our fertility as I feel unworthy of being blessed. May God grant you His peace! Enjoying you blog too!

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  13. Thank you for sharing Molly. Many of us parents who have losses share the same sentiments.

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  14. Thank you for such a beautiful post. It's nice to remember that we're not alone. We also struggle with infertility, and there are some days when pregnancy announcements and births make me sob and there are others where they fill me with joy and lift my spirits. It's nice to be reminded that it's ok to feel both ways and that it's ok to just feel however we feel in the moment. Thanks again.

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