Monday, February 3, 2014

Odd Man Out

Where do we go from here? 

Some of you may know that I went under again last week.  The long story short is that my levels had not been dropping accordingly for almost a month and it was time to investigate.  An ultrasound showed that I had more lining than I did at my last US in November, there was still blood flow and a number of other things.  Even after everything that happen on November 17th my body had not finished what it had started.  There were frightening terms being tossed around like Molar Pregnancy and Gestational Trophoblastic Disease and it was under no uncertain terms that I was told this was our only options and if this ever happens again this will be our ONLY option.

In the end everything came back normal, and as of today my blood work finally came back normal.  It's over.  I would have been five months along around this time and it's been over four months since I found out that I had, yet again, another nonviable pregnancy.  If you count the months from this summer I have been "pregnant" in someway or another long enough to actually carry a baby to term.  And yes, that's about as depressing of a thought as you can imagine.

So where do we go from here?  I honestly have no idea.  I know that forward is the only option, but I don't know the when's, the why's or the how's.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time.  I'm trying to give myself a chance to heal, in more ways than one.

Hardest of all I'm trying to figure out my place in the grand scheme of motherhood.

When I was growing up I had a small group of close friends for a while.  There were seven of us.  Everyone had a partner, someone who they really meshed well with for one reason or another.  The one they did the most with, told the most too and walked their paths with and then there was me.  I was the spare, or at least that's how it felt for a long time.  I didn't have a partner and was often the odd man out in many ways or at least that's how it felt to a 15 year old girl.

Now I feel like the odd man out yet again.  Most everyone I know who has kids at least has a set.  There's this invisible division - there are many reminders, not cruelly or even intentionally, that I don't know what their lives are like.  Most of them don't know what it's like in my shoes either and it gets a bit lonely out on the periphery of motherhood like this.  The truth is I don't know what it's like to be in the shoes of most of my friends.  It's a rigid, inflexible truth in my life that I'd give anything to change and there's a lot in my life that gives me great joy (my friends and family and their children) that is often a harsh reminder of  that reality. 

It's my own fancy, wibbly-wobbly, crappy paradox. 

(If you'd like to have your own "fancy, wibbly-wobbly, crappy paradox"  I'll happily sell you mine at rock bottom prices.)

And what's the point of writing all of this?  I'm not really sure.  I suppose just to get it out of my head because that's healthy for me and little for everyone who has mentioned that they've appreciated my honesty through all of this.  So I guess this is for you.  It's a message that I'm not done and there's still some fight left in me.  That I'm still willing to claw my way back from the edges so that I can't be told that I don't know what it's like again.  I'm determined not to be that Odd Man Out anymore.

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As I've written the above I've learned that a friend is now part of my "special club".  Prayers for her and her family as they navigate this time in their lives.

17 comments:

  1. Sending lots of love and prayers your way! I've felt like the odd man out many times although not necessarily for these reasons. But it's a crappy feeling all the same.

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    1. It's good to put it into words, we've all felt like this in one way or another.

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  2. Oh I wish I lived close enough to you to give you a hug.

    I'm sure the fact that you're on the Catholic mom blog circuit doesn't help much with the feelings of "odd man out." Even with my three boys I still feel behind the curve and get a jealous pang with every new pregnancy announcement and the ease with which everyone else seems to be able to conceive (which I know can be a burden too).

    Thanks for sharing all of this, I've keep praying for you.

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    1. It's definitely a challenge. I've whined to my Cath. Mom friends many times that I don't feel like I'm supposed to be in the club. 1 kid? Working mom? Definitely don't feel qualified very often. Then they remind me "Mom? Check Catholic? Check." and that's all I need.

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  3. Sending you hugs and prayers Molly! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I am thankful your blood work has come back as normal. I have spent my entire life as "odd man out" and it isn't a very fun club to be in. I am so sorry for the circumstances of your odd man out feelings now. Sending you so much love and prayers for healing. <3

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  4. Oh Molly! Wish I could hug you. I know it feels awful. But know you're a wonderful mom, and no one views you as the odd man out.

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  5. I am glad that your blood levels are normalizing. ... Reading your Sacrifice Myth several months ago finally brought me from a place of heartbreak, confusion, denial, blankness, and aimlessness to a whole new place of hope, vision, and positivity... I hope that with the coming spring, you, too will find new hope, exciting growth, new direction, and a beautiful sense of purpose and strength.

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    1. Thank you Amy, I never expected anything I wrote to resonate with anyone so much.

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  6. I wish I could say something to help, but I can offer prayers instead!

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  7. Oh prayers and hugs Molly! I don't have any words that can help at all but lots of prayers.

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  8. I'm really sorry. Wish I could give you a hug, too.

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