Friday, January 3, 2014

News

I'm afraid that title was just to get your attention.  There is no news on my front other than the ceaseless blood draws and endless waiting.

I wish so much I had news, everyone else has news and I'm happy for them.

Instead it's January 3rd.  My original due date and I just feel empty and so, so disappointed in myself.

I know it was completely to with chromosomes - something I have no control over, but the feeling remains.

We have to keep waiting - until the hormones are gone, until the body cycles back around.  If I'm reading thing right I'm looking at March - one year from trying for more children - to start trying again.  It took 15 months to get my beautiful baby boy.  I'm coming up on another year of trying.  I've spent a third of my married life trying to have children with no luck.

I'll go back to being smiling and happy in a little bit.  I'll bury the envy and jealousy that's been eating me alive all year, but for right now this is where I'm at and I just need to be.

17 comments:

  1. Hugs, Molly. We're praying for you...much love.

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  2. Prayers. The due date is such a hard day. May our Lady bring you peace and hope today.

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  3. You have such wonderful blog friends sending you good thoughts and praying for you. I am too. Love, mom

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  4. Oh Molly I hear you. It's been over a year for us, too. As depressing as it is not to conceive at all, miscarriages sound way harder. You had an actual child who slipped through your fingers. I can't even imagine. And all those blood draws! What a nightmare!!

    I so get the feeling of disappointment with yourself. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Why can't I do something that EVERYBODY else can do (with such ease)?? It was worse with primary infertility, but the feeling is still there this time around, too. And the envy and jealousy? Yep. I know that, too. I can hardly even look at all the round bellies without feeling a little sick.

    This has to be such a hard day for you. I wish we could get together and feel bummed out together, and then watch our adorable children and remember out loud how very blessed we still are, even if life isn't quite going as planned. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you Kathleen - I know you know all too much about these feelings =( Maybe 2014 will be our year =)

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  5. Prayers for you, especially today.

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  6. Prayers Molly. It's where I'm at too. My would have been due date is coming up in two weeks and I just feel so discouraged. I keep trying to tell myself that it's a new year with new beginnings but I still feel empty. I chose St. Gerard as my Patron saint for this year so I will keep you in my prayers as well. God Bless!

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    1. I wore my St. Gerard medal for the last couple of days - though our ultrasound that showed this little one wasn't there was on his feast day. =(

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  7. Prayers Molly. I wish there was something I could do to make this even a tiny bit easier for you. xx

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  8. I will keep saying prayers for you. While I'm not in exactly the same place, my husband and I have been trying for another baby for the last 18months, we've had a couple of false positives (or perhaps chemical pregnancies), it's been really hard to watch people conceive and have babies.. the jealousy's been there too.
    I have to try to remember the blessings that I do have. It's not easy, but I've been trying.
    Hugs
    ~Ruth Anne

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    1. Thank you, prayers for you in your journey too. =)

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  9. Oh Molly, what a difficult day for you! And to know you have another one to endure this year - just awful! I don't know what it feels like (yet) but I know that my due date in May will be difficult as well, but I look it as a milestone to get through and imagine that it will be much more peaceful once I'm in the other side. I hope you start to feel better as the day passed, especially once you get through the next due date and also that you have a happy, healthy pregnancy on the horizon.

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  10. oh, gosh, I will say some prayers for you. I know what you are feeling, except each month starts over as routine. I have endo which makes infertility make sense, but it doesn't make it any easier.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear this - I often feel ashamed sharing my frustrations about this because I know there are women and families going through so much worse than I. Prayers for you and yours. =)

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  11. I know how very devastating this is and my heart goes out to you. Before having my 2 children, I had 4 miscarriages, and so many blood draws and really no answers.N That was a really dark and sad time for me, and every time I passed a due date I got pretty down. It passed, life went on, but it really hurt.

    I hope you have brighter days ahead. I have a feeling that you will.

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