Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Growing in the Garden








and we devoured the bowl full of black raspberries before  I could take a picture... 
summer is delicious.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Feeding




Getting back into some old rhythm's including my desire to feed an army of people every time I start cooking.  This turned out to be a great, simple recipe (though I prefer my whipped cream with just a little sugar); in fact the biscuits have been requested as a staple in our house with our without the strawberries and whipped cream.

We celebrated the summer this weekend - trying to get back into my desire to celebrate our year - with lots of food and time outside.  It was quite glorious. 

I've been feeling the need to feed others and myself over the past few weeks - I like to make people full and that explains the ridiculous amount of homemade jam in my pantry right now.  I'm also trying to focus on feeding myself - not just with food - but something deeper; it feels like the right path to take right now.  A call to fill myself with something, I guess that's not too surprising.  New books on prayer and family life have made their way into my possession and a new project about my favorite subject is in the works.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

For Now

I'm not announcing a blogging break, but rather just a heads up that I will scale back until I feel like my life is in sync with what I share on this blog again.  I show pretty, happy pictures and things when they reflect my real life in some way and it seems discourteous right now to do such a thing with life still so disjointed.

I'm still recovering - an unplanned D&C on Friday both helped and hindered that in many ways and we're trying to figure out ways to make our finances balance out again after a month of surprise doctor's visits, vet bills, car repairs and the normal things in life.

I'm doing okay.  I've made a good amount of peace with the pregnancy I was given at this point in my life, but I feel like we've had major set backs in health and finances in the last month that are making the light at the end of the family planning tunnel seem far away.  I'm still learning to trust in that area in my life, and right now I know we're being told that now is not a good time, but it doesn't make things easier to accept.  It's hard to keep hearing "not now, not now" while watching (with complete love and joy) friends and family welcoming their first, seconds, thirds or more.  No lie, there's been a lot of "Why me?" type of thoughts in my head.

I'm trying to enjoy what we have and not let the future overwhelm me too much - and that's a tall order for someone who's battle anxiety issues in the past.

We're doing okay and things will get better.  I'll be back soon.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Homestretch

I think I'm in the homestretch with all of this.  After a long and hard weekend I am ready to put this behind me.  It's not over, but after three days of contraction level "cramps" I think the worst is over.  It might be strange, but I'm proud that I was able to give this pregnancy a natural completion.  In many ways it mirrored a real labor, just on a smaller scale and I'm proud of that.

I'm doing okay.  Some things are a little hard, but in general I don't feel like I had enough invested in this pregnancy to really merit too much more emotion.  It sounds strange, but remember I had a feel something was "off" for almost the whole month of May.  There was no heartbeat ever heard, face seen, in fact there was no body at all.  There was very little to be attached to.

I have some amazing friends - real life and on-line - and they've really been amazing. 

I'm ready to move forward.  Though some of that might take a while.  This pregnancy was the result of a "leap of faith" in our family planning.  It was almost as much of shock to see that first positive test than it was to find out it was over and my mind is still working through that.  Is this what I get for being trusting?  It's really throwing me for a loop.

But at the end of the day I'm still here and I'm still me.  I'm still happy to see new baby pictures or hear exciting news.  The best thing about life sometimes is that it goes on.  The world keeps turning.

I'm thinking from here on in things will be a little bit more normal around here.

Thank you everyone for your love, prayers and support.

Monday, June 3, 2013

We'll Be Okay

Thank you everyone for all of the love and support.  In many ways we're still wrapping our heads around everything and in many ways we're moving ahead.

I was preparing myself for the news for almost a month, I think it helped shorten the grieving process in all, but now I find my confidence shaken deeply and that will take a while to heal.  While I know the facts about miscarriage it is hard not think about it all on a much more personal level and since I've really feared that I would not be able to have a child past 30 (30 being the oldest any recent relative has had a child - parents, aunts, grandparents, great-grandparents) it's a little scary.

While I still hope my fears are proven wrong it's also given me a lot to think about as to the size of our family.  I'm surrounded by wonderful people with wonderful, growing families - would I be comfortable with only one?

In the end I know I would be; I am an only child and while a little on the lonely side growing up it's not the end of the world, but it does make me a little sad to think of - potentially not having another chance at labor and delivery, or first steps or first words.  It might not be our future, but it might be and I guess I'd rather be prepared for all the outcomes in the end.

This weekend, thanks to an understanding boss who gave me a little extra time off to process, we went on an impromptu mini-vacation to the Omaha Zoo.  I wanted to do something fun with just the three of us to prove that if it stays just us that it will be okay. 



I know that in the end I'm happy with what I have; grateful even. 


We'll be okay.
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