Monday, November 4, 2013

When God Says No.... and other things I don't have an answer for.

One miscarriage knocks you off your feet.  It makes you realize the true, precarious nature of pregnancy and the lives of our children.

A second miscarriage, particularly in a row in a short period of time, pulls the proverbial rug from under your feet.  It makes you question everything you think you had planned out and spins you around until you don't which way is up anymore.

I don't know what we're going do and where we're going to go after this is over.  The only thing I know for certain is that God is telling me "No".  Perhaps not no in a not ever type of way, but definitely in a not now kind of way.  I'm exhausted, I hurt in so many ways and the idea of trying again and being letting down three times in under a year or meeting more months of infertility makes me want curl up in the fetal position and cry.  I just can't move in that direction right now.  I can't even rest my feet on that path.

That doesn't help all that much, to look at in the short term, to be honest.  I feel like there are a lot of things over the last year I've been told "No" to - graduate school, my career, being a stay at home, having more children and each one is harder to hear than the last.  I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong and where I could have gone right?  I can't even describe the feeling of having something so simple as wanting more children not only denied you, but taken away from you.  At this point it's not a feeling, it's a lack of everything.

Jealousy is one of my biggest faults.  I compare myself and all my short comings to everyone else to the point that is hard to be happy when I should be happy and I almost, just barely, keep myself from being happy when things go wrong for others.  It's awful and makes me feel like less of a human being.  

The reality is that God says No more often than he says Yes.  That's the truth of the matter and that's  the morsel that is hardest to accept.  You know what to do with a Yes; you say thank you, you share your joy, you pass it forward.  You never know what to do with a No.

I don't have any answers right now.  I don't know what to do with these No's when all I want is just one, just one little itty bitty Yes.  I don't what to do with a No, but I know one day I will.

12 comments:

  1. I don't have any advice, really. it's hard when things don't work out the way we hoped and dreamed. One thing that helped me move through my grief this year was understanding that losing my baby wasn't a "no" to a child...my child is real and his soul is in the presence of God, and he is praying for me. I'm sorry for your losses...it's no fun and it's difficult for our earth-bound brains to understand. My doctor recommended I read Wisdom Ch 4 and I have returned to it over and over again in my grief...it has helped me so much. So, I don't know that it will be helpful to you, but thought I'd mention it in case you wanted to go and read it.

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  2. This sucks. This really, really sucks. I haven't experienced the agony of miscarriage thus far in my life, but infertility sucks pretty bad too. I know jealousy all too well. It's painful to watch other people get what you want - especially when those people never particularly wanted it. My heart sinks every time I hear another pregnancy - even if I've been praying for them! How messed up is that?

    So I guess the whole point of this comment is just to commiserate. Hearing no to your heart's desire sucks. I don't personally believe God is the one saying no (but this is a complicated theological matter). But I hear you. I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. Hugs.

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  3. i am so sorry for your loss. i had two miscarriages in a row (4 total) and it was so horrifying. there is no way to make that sort of pain easier. ((hugs))

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  4. My heart hurts for you so much Molly. Sending you my love. <3

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  5. Molly-
    I don't have words except HIS
    The GRACE of the LORD Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
    {{hugs}}
    Pat

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  6. Remember, sweetie, its okay to grieve. That is what you are doing right now. Don't let anyone make you feel quilty for doing it. It is natural and necessary. The harder you feel things, the harder the grieving is. What I do know is that telling God you are "just so sad" is okay. You don't have to pray any thing more elaborate than that. God looks inside and knows exactly what you mean by it. It's okay to hold onto God's hand and tell him you don't understand why you won't get to hold your baby's hand in this life. It's hard to go through the stages of grief but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Many times we are not the same people when we step out of the tunnel and many times (if we rely on God) we are better for it. Love you much!

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  7. Oh, Molly, I'm so sorry. My best friend went through two miscarriages in a row a couple years ago, before I got married. It wasn't until I had a m/c of my own two years ago - between my two sons - that I was able to begin to understand how awful that must have been for her. One was bad enough; but two in a row would have done me in. Would you mind if I said my St Andrew Novena during Advent for you? For your own sweet sake, of course, but also to help make it up to my best friend who I didn't know how to comfort when she was hurting so. St Andrew is a wonderful, gentle friend to all women, but especially to mothers wishing and hoping and praying for their babies-to-be...

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  8. There are no answers. I am so very sorry.

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  9. Yes it really is painful. I went through the same thing and without any hope of every having children. Pulling the rug out is exactly how I would describe it. God so kindly later showed me part of what he was doing. I feel with you the pain of the unknown. I think that was the hardest grief (after the grief of losing my precious children)... the grief of not knowing how many more months/years of waiting and jealousy there would be. You don't have to grieve perfectly and you don't have to do this perfectly. God is there though walking with you in it.

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  10. (I think I commented, but then my comment disappeared... so if this is a double, feel free to delete!)

    {Hugs} I know that waiting season so well. I don't know what it is to lose a child, but I do know that waiting and I do know that feeling of God saying, "No." I've been trying to focus on trusting Him, on seeing the blessings right now in this moment- especially the little things. It's easy for me to say I'm thankful for my family BUT I wish I had a baby...it's much more difficult to find the "BUT" when I'm being grateful for a small thing- for a warm cup of coffee. It's so hard. And it's easy to say "God's way is best" but living it? Living in the No? That's so, so hard. Prayers for you, dear friend.

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