Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Where I've Really Been

I was hoping to write this most in about four more weeks with a much happier tone, but life is what it is.

April 19th we were surprised, but excited to find out that we had a baby on the way.

May 2nd I went in for an inconclusive ultrasound after some light spotting and cramping.

I spent the next few weeks being warily excited, but on Monday night I put out a distress call to some friends; I just had this sinking feeling that something was wrong and I hadn't been able to shake it.

I went to my first OB appointment and they sent me straight to ultrasound, I joked with the ultrasound tech "Come on heartbeat!", but it was clear from the beginning.  The next thing I said was "That looks really empty" and she confirmed my suspicions.

Yesterday we confirmed that the pregnancy has been lost.  The horrible term that will forever be on my medical record is "blighted ovum".  Whatever happened it happened early, probably around the beginning of May, because the gestational sac was just a big black hole on the ultrasound with nothing inside.

We understand the science - that there was something fundamentally wrong with this babies chromosomes and development mercifully ceased.

I am thankful in many ways for that - my child spared from a difficult life.

I am thankful God spoke to me to take a test on a whim on Cycle Day 21 so that we knew about the pregnancy from almost day one.

We are sad - I cried endlessly on the short drive home, collected myself enough to walk in the door and broke down again as soon as my husband walked up the stairs.

We are doing our best not to dwell - we arranged some babysitting and took ourselves out to dinner and a movie.

Now we are waiting for a little bit longer for nature to figure out whats going on and take it's course, and if that doesn't work we'll have a simple procedure in a few weeks to help it along.

We won't be rushing back into our family planning - the doctor's recommend a few months between attempts and with a few things that have come up since April we probably will put the trying on the back burner until this fall or winter at the earliest.  However, it doesn't mean all hope is lost - just delayed a little bit.  At the moment we have no reason to believe that this forecasts doom on our future chances.

There are little blessings - we now have a time to recover from the Cat-tastrophe of a few weeks ago that wiped out our emergency savings, Ben gets a better chance at a new position at work now that our schedules won't change in 9 months, we get to earn more sick leave and vacation, we get to plan some trips and just spend a little bit more time with our amazing toddler.  It's not all bad.

So that's where we've been, where we am and where we're going.  Onwards and upwards. 

11 comments:

  1. Still praying for you, sweet lady! I'm so so sorry.

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  2. Oh dear Molly! I'm so sorry. What a difficult thing to go through. Sending you prayers and love. Take care of yourself!

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  3. Praying for you. I've had 2 miscarriages and know that bitter sadness all too well. Hugs for you and prayers for healing.

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  4. Oh Molly, I'm so sorry you have been through this... There are not really words, and I know nothing I come up with would make it better. But I do have to say that I am so glad you were able to conceive again, since I know you have been worried you wouldn't be able to. Just that little sign is a blessing from God that it is possible. Take this time to get some rest, and I will pray for peace. *hugs*

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  5. I'm so sorry. I know nothing will make this feel better except time and prayer, and I'll be sending up my prayers for you as well.

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  6. Sending prayers, I had a miscarriage early this year and I'm so sorry.

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  7. Meg says one of the things I've been thinking about too the last two days. You have come so close to God, to Ben, and to yourself that you proved Dr's diagnoses wrong about your fertility. You have one miracle in Henry and another miracle in second natural conception. You say it well when you recognize that something was fundamentally wrong and development mercifully ceased because God is merciful. God has a plan for your family. Give your sadness to Him and cry in his arms. It's OK. He will hold you as long as you need him to and he will set you back on your feet when you're ready. I am so sorry you have to experience this. You are in my prayers.

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  8. A humbling story to read. You are strong. I admire how you are looking to the future.

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  9. So sorry, Molly. That sounds like such a hard thing to endure. Way to be brave and make the most of what you have! I'll be thinking and praying for you.

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  10. I am so sorry to hear this, Molly. Hugs and prayers being sent your way! I've been very far behind on my blog reading, and just typed in your URL on a whim today, and I think there's a reason for that - for you to know that you're not alone, and that there are many people who care and pray for you and your family. You seem to be taking things in stride and looking at the upside, keep doing that! I'll be keeping you in my prayers and hoping for the best :)
    - Hannah

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  11. Oh, Molly...you and your family are in my prayers. Holding you in the light.

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