I was hoping to write this most in about four more weeks with a much happier tone, but life is what it is.
April 19th we were surprised, but excited to find out that we had a baby on the way.
May 2nd I went in for an inconclusive ultrasound after some light spotting and cramping.
I spent the next few weeks being warily excited, but on Monday night I put out a distress call to some friends; I just had this sinking feeling that something was wrong and I hadn't been able to shake it.
I went to my first OB appointment and they sent me straight to ultrasound, I joked with the ultrasound tech "Come on heartbeat!", but it was clear from the beginning. The next thing I said was "That looks really empty" and she confirmed my suspicions.
Yesterday we confirmed that the pregnancy has been lost. The horrible term that will forever be on my medical record is "blighted ovum". Whatever happened it happened early, probably around the beginning of May, because the gestational sac was just a big black hole on the ultrasound with nothing inside.
We understand the science - that there was something fundamentally wrong with this babies chromosomes and development mercifully ceased.
I am thankful in many ways for that - my child spared from a difficult life.
I am thankful God spoke to me to take a test on a whim on Cycle Day 21 so that we knew about the pregnancy from almost day one.
We are sad - I cried endlessly on the short drive home, collected myself enough to walk in the door and broke down again as soon as my husband walked up the stairs.
We are doing our best not to dwell - we arranged some babysitting and took ourselves out to dinner and a movie.
Now we are waiting for a little bit longer for nature to figure out whats going on and take it's course, and if that doesn't work we'll have a simple procedure in a few weeks to help it along.
We won't be rushing back into our family planning - the doctor's recommend a few months between attempts and with a few things that have come up since April we probably will put the trying on the back burner until this fall or winter at the earliest. However, it doesn't mean all hope is lost - just delayed a little bit. At the moment we have no reason to believe that this forecasts doom on our future chances.
There are little blessings - we now have a time to recover from the Cat-tastrophe of a few weeks ago that wiped out our emergency savings, Ben gets a better chance at a new position at work now that our schedules won't change in 9 months, we get to earn more sick leave and vacation, we get to plan some trips and just spend a little bit more time with our amazing toddler. It's not all bad.
So that's where we've been, where we am and where we're going. Onwards and upwards.